


Growing Slowly

by tristonanan



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Honestly the Widomauk is only tagged because I'm gay and had to include some subtext, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17359043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tristonanan/pseuds/tristonanan
Summary: It began slowly, creeping up on the two of them the same way you don’t notice spring until it has sprung.The firbolg was perceptive, and he could tell his bond with Caleb was different than the bonds they both had with the other members of their group. Sure, this was true with all relationships - even within his own family - but Caduceus knew the conversations he had in private with Caleb were different. Jester comforting him was appreciated and welcomed warmly, and perhaps it was needed, but Caleb giving him the periapt was somehow more personal.





	Growing Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for the Critical Role fandom, and the first fic I'm putting on this site in years. This also isn't betaed, so sorry if I didn't catch anything.

It began slowly, creeping up on the two of them the same way you don’t notice spring until it has sprung. Their first meeting was not ideal, but Caduceus was used to meeting people in unfavorable circumstances. He did tend to the dead and mourning, after all.

Caleb did not meet Caduceus in order to make a friend; he needed up freeing the friends he had already. Caduceus stayed, however, which had never happened with a new member of the Mighty Nein. Sure, they might stay for a few days or up to a couple weeks, but it had been months and Caduceus stayed.

Admitting that the Nein were his friends was difficult for Caleb. The night before Mollymauk died he had even contemplated leaving everyone, and that’s not something friends do. After Molly’s death it became a little easier. He mourned for the tiefling, and he missed him. He took the periapt because it felt as if a piece of his heart was missing. Almost two months later he gave it to another: Caduceus.

Caduceus, who had no trouble admitting him and the Nein were friends. The same man who talked to every plant and animal as if they were friendly neighbors. The same man who was so unlike Mollymauk, yet so similar. For one thing, they had both called him Mr. Caleb. Mollymauk said it only a couple times as a joke, making his ears a light pink and his heart beat just hard enough for him to feel it. Caduceus said it with such sincerity in their first meeting and it caught him off guard. Here a colorful individual was calling him by this nickname, yet it wasn’t a flirty joke. It felt out of place at first, yet Caduceus said it many other times. Over those days, weeks, and eventually months it started to feel like the name belonged on Caduceus’ lips. It was like it always belonged to him.

The firbolg was perceptive, and he could tell his bond with Caleb was different than the bonds they both had with the other members of their group. Sure, this was true with all relationships - even within his own family - but Caduceus knew the conversations he had in private with Caleb were different. Jester comforting him was appreciated and welcomed warmly, and perhaps it was needed, but Caleb giving him the periapt was somehow more personal.

He didn’t know when their friendship started changing. Maybe it was before the gift. Maybe it was the moment Caleb handed the heart necklace to Caduceus. Maybe it was right after that when Caduceus started asking Caleb about destiny and told him that he wanted to help Caleb reach whatever he was headed towards.

That night was just when Caduceus noticed the changes, but he was sure it had started before that. It was probably so slight that even someone as wise as him couldn’t have noticed it unless he knew to look for it. Hands brushing when he handed out tea. Giving each other knowing glances when they could sense bullshit coming from someone else. Paying extra attention to Caleb’s wounds, and it possibly not being just because he was so vulnerable to damage.

Somewhere along the way Caduceus had started acting differently, and he knew Caleb did, too. He had never felt like this, having spent most of his time with just his family. He had read books of the outside world, and he had heard stories of when his parents met. He knew that this fluttering feeling when he thought about Caleb was not just friendship.

Caleb’s memory is near perfect, yet he didn’t know when he started becoming infatuated either. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. There wasn’t even a distinct moment that he remembered admitting something was there to himself.

Neither of the men did anything about their realizations, though. They went on as normal, the walls of ice melting with every sip of tea in each other’s quiet company while sitting a little too close during watch shifts together adventuring off their ship. Nervous laughter came from Caleb whenever Caduceus gave him an awkward compliment, but neither said anything that indicated that they wanted to truly distance themselves. Caduceus knew that Caleb was unable to believe any compliment someone gave him, other than Nott on rare occasions. Caleb knew that Caduceus was not going to stop trying to get him to believe he is a good man.

Nott noticed Caleb’s slight change around Caduceus. The others hadn’t yet, but she could read her boy.

One night she braided strands of Caleb’s hair as he read. She usually did this when she wanted to discuss something that isn’t bad, but was serious enough to give him a reminder that she is still there for him.

“Are you happy with him, Caleb?”

Caleb didn’t say anything for a beat, and Nott gave him the chance to ignore the question. She wanted to pry, but she knew he needed to say this on his own time.

“I’m assuming you are talking about Caduceus,” he said, voice small and tired. There was no point in bullshitting his closest friend.

Nott made a hum in acknowledgment instead of any real words.

There was a sigh as Caleb closed his book so he could rub his face. His stubble was growing out long yet again, and it was scratchy against his rough hands.

“I wouldn’t say he is mine to be happy or unhappy with,” he answered. “That would imply we are each other’s, would it not?”

“I don’t know,” Nott said. “I do not have a lot of experiences with relationships, considering where I am from.” Caleb nodded at this. He knew. “That said, I know enough about how you act with each other verses the rest of the group. He seems to like you, and I can see how you feel about him. I know about enough when it comes to these things to tell when someone is worthy of your trust, you know.”

“I know you do. You’re very smart like that.”

Nott chuckled softly, moving to sit next to Caleb. “As long as he treats you right I’d approve of him being with you. I want you to be happy, and I think Mr. Clay could help you with that.”

Caleb looked down at the goblin woman next to him. She was leaning her head on him, and he disturbed her slightly in order to wrap his arm around her small body.

“Thank you,  _ mein Freund _ .”

After that night Nott started acting more warmly to Caduceus. She would ask about the flowers she’d find, seeing if it was okay for her to pick one or two. Nott even partook in his tea at times without spiking her cup with alcohol. Other times she would just sit with him in silence, trying to see if she could understand him and his strange antics.

Caduceus welcomed this change and sensed she was being genuine in her attempts to know him better. Even if she obviously had some sort of motive to figure him out, she was still sincere in wanting to know him. He appreciated that.

One night when the Nein was back on the road, Nott and Jester were going to bed after a watch shift while Caleb and Caduceus were waking for theirs. Nott pulled Caduceus aside for a moment to look intensely into his eyes. He had to kneel so they could be anywhere close to eye level.

“I am trusting you with my boy.”

That was all she said before slipping away, Caduceus’ heart beating a rhythm in his ears.

The watch was uneventful, which was good because Caduceus was too busy pondering Nott’s words. He knew what she meant, but he just didn’t understand what he thought of it.

It seemed silly, but he prayed to the Wildmother about what he should do about this. A warm breeze blew some smoke from the campfire over toward the two people keeping watch. It had a hint of jasmine that couldn’t have come from the fire, and as he thought on it a soft voice spoke in his mind.

“Your heart is a powerful tool. Be careful how you use it, but do not neglect it altogether.”

Caduceus glanced over at Caleb, his lips turned in a lazy smile.

A week later the Nein was stopping by a large but lethargic river. Caduceus stood to go for a walk and turned to Caleb. Without saying a word the wizard stood up and walked with Caduceus. They walked in a comfortable silence for several minutes, and before long they couldn’t see or hear the party. They were alone.

The two sat on a large stone by the river. The golden hour was just starting, and a warm light highlighted the ginger in Caleb’s rust color hair. Caduceus was entranced by the way nature could show you something new no matter how well you think you know something.

Caleb didn’t shy away from Caduceus’ staring. He looked instead at the soft, thin fur that covered the firbolg. One of the only places without the fur were his lips. The two of them were so close, and Caleb could smell the tea Caduceus had earlier that day. Caduceus could see the light freckles on Caleb’s cheeks that usually blended in with the dirt and soot that often covered him.

Neither one kissed first. It was just natural for the two of them to lean in and softly connect their lips. Caduceus was reminded of a flower opening its petals when he felt Caleb’s lips.

The kiss was chaste, not last more than a few seconds, but it was enough to make Caleb’s entire face to turn pink. Caduceus smiled softly and pressed their foreheads together, cupping Caleb’s cheek in his large hand.

Caleb closed his eyes and chuckled quietly. “ _ Scheisse _ ,” he breathed through a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be,” Caduceus said back.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I did it, too.”

“But did you want to?”

Caduceus kissed Caleb again before answering. “Yes, I did, and I’d wanted to for some time now.”

Caleb was silent, but Caduceus could make out the start of a smile.

They stayed like that for a bit, and the golden hour turned into sunset. Beau ended up looking for them, calling their names when she finally got into view of the rock Caleb and Caduceus were sitting on. They just stared at her, Caleb looking slightly annoyed and Caduceus smiling softly. She stammered and just turned around to walk away, calling out that she found them.

When they made their way back to the camp they didn’t say anything, but Caleb was gently holding Caduceus’ arm.

They didn’t speak about this until their watch shift at the end of the night, and even then it was mostly silence. Within the last half hour, Caleb finally spoke up.

“We don’t have to do anything about this,” he said quietly from where he was pressed into Caduceus’ side. “You don’t have to take on more than you have to.”

Caduceus rubbed his thumb in a comforting circle from where his hand was resting on Caleb’s hip, releasing a deep hum in contemplation.

“But what do you want, Mister Caleb?”

Caleb sighed at the use of the nickname with such a soft sincerity. “Does it matter what I want when it is selfish?”

“I doubt what you want is selfish, considering I’m willingly asking you what it is,” Caduceus countered. “Would it help if I went first?”

There was silence for a moment before Caleb nodded slowly.

Caduceus looked to the stars above them, taking comfort in the constellations his mother had taught him. “I want to explore this feeling I’ve had for quite some time with you. I’ll be honest, I’ve never really felt any sort of romantic way toward another person. My life before I met you didn’t really lend itself to a love life.” Caleb chuckled softly and nodded in understanding. “But I know that what I’ve felt grow in our friendship is strong and different from the feelings I have toward the rest of the Nein.

“I want to help you grow, both to better our group, but because I care about you,” Caduceus continued. “I want to protect you and heal you when my protection doesn’t work as well as it should. You’re important to me, and I like you a lot. I know that eventually this feeling will turn into a real love.”

Caleb was silent for a few moments, and Caduceus could feel Caleb duck his head to hide his blush. He finally shook his head slightly.

“I’m not sure I really deserve that love, Mister Clay,” he said. “I have a lot I need help to take care of, and I’m not sure if you would want to take on the challenge.”

Caduceus moved so he could better look into Caleb’s eyes. He smiled at the man in front of him, who was cracked but still able to be mended with the right supplies. Who was in the process of being mended, but shakily because he refused to ask for help.

“I will take care of you.”

Caleb laughed sadly. “It’s rotten work.”

“Not to me,” Caduceus said before cupping Caleb’s cheek and pulling him in for a tender kiss. He pulled away and brushed some of Caleb’s growing locks out of his face. “Not if it’s you.”

It was so sincere that Caleb didn’t know what to do but kiss Caduceus again. A whole hoard of trolls could have tried to bombard their camp and he wouldn’t have known until halfway through the battle. He was just focused on Caduceus Clay. It was either this or cry, as all the emotions he had been homing down finally came to the surface.

When they pulled away they just sat in silence, enjoying each other.

“I can’t tell you what I want or how I feel as easily as you,” Caleb said, just loud enough for Caduceus to catch it and nod in understanding. “I do want this, though. I am just not good at the words.”

Caduceus kissed the top of Caleb’s head. “Don’t feel like you have to force yourself. Do what you feel is best. I should be able to figure it out. Take your time.”

And he did.

Caleb didn’t say how he felt for quite some time, but he showed his affection. It was often small gestures, but he knew Caduceus would know. He’d lean against Caduceus when sitting down somewhere to read, or use him more often to help guide him when Frumpkin was who he was seeing through. Sometimes he’d attempt to help cook, and it often was more amusing for Caduceus than helpful, but it was worth it to hear his small laugh.

And, of course, they started to share sleeping quarters.

Often it was innocent. They’d share a bed or a tent, but would just hold each other at night. Nott often wanted to still be around Caleb, and Caduceus respected this. He wanted to be with Caleb for many reasons, and his body was not one of the many reasons. He thought the human was beautiful, but he often looked more at his heart.

Caleb would steady his breathing, and breathe in the herbal aromas coming from Caduceus, face buried in his chest. Caduceus smelled of the tea he always had, and it was a comforting sensation. After a long day, Caleb would find his place in Caduceus’ arms and breathe in deeply, smiling at the smell he started to associate with safety. Caduceus would in return bury his face in Caleb’s hair and smell the scent of dirt and smoke, which would lull him into a deep sleep the same way a fire on a rainy day at his home would.

The others knew of their relationship, and besides some teasing didn’t usually pry. They knew enough to know that this was really good for Caleb, and they knew that Caduceus was aware of what he was getting himself into. If anything, battles were easier since Caduceus always knew where their main spellcaster was to make sure he didn’t go down as easily. It made it easier for Caleb to take down their enemies, and Caduceus more likely to attack with a vengeance if Caleb did manage to get seriously injured.

Luckily it hardly came to that.

During one of their many hushed conversations while laying alone in their room on the ship, Caleb grew silent. Caduceus saw a sweet look of fondness on his face, but also some anxious awe. He smiled down at his lover quizzically. “What is it?”

Caleb sat up, face growing in seriousness by the second. Caduceus sat up with him, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Is something wrong, Caleb?”

He shook his head. “Nothing is wrong,  _ Liebling _ ,” he replied. “I just need to tell you something.”

Caduceus smiled, and that made Caleb feel both calm and even more anxious.

“I love you, Caduceus,” he said, and after saying those words he started to laugh a little, almost as if he couldn’t believe he actually said them. “I love you so much and felt you should know.”

Caduceus held him, and Caleb captured his lips in a kiss. Caduceus already knew Caleb loved him, but hearing those words come out of his mouth made his heart warm, and he felt like he was in full bloom.

If their meeting was winter, then this moment was summer, bright and beautiful in its warmth. To Caduceus Caleb was the sun, and he was a plant who flourished under him. Caleb saw him as a tree to find solace under during a hot day, protecting him from the dangers of the world.

Caduceus smiled in the crook of Caleb’s neck, nuzzling into him. That was one of Caduceus’ favorite spots on him, as it was one of the most vulnerable. Caleb letting Caduceus belong where Frumpkin usually protected made him feel as if he trusted him even more than he already knew. And this new news made his chest feel as if his heart was going to burst through it.

“I love you, too,” Caduceus said, mumbled against Caleb’s skin. “I’ve been waiting to say it because I didn’t want to pressure you.”

Caleb held Caduceus tighter as if he was trying to convince himself this was real. This was real. He was in love and was loved back. He deserved to be happy with Caduceus. He deserved this.

It would take a while for him to believe that last part, but that is okay. Healing takes time, and it helps when your lover is a healer.

Instead, they just focused on that night and each other. They spent the night alone in the other’s company, Nott bunking with Jester instead. For a little while the world was just the two of them. They would face the outside world in the morning, and that would be okay. But now they just were together, and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. I want to write more for Clayleb and other Critical Role ships, but I just had to write this.
> 
> This was all sprung by this tweet: https://twitter.com/starscryy/status/1078183612728598528


End file.
